So Jake has this Facebook "friend" that he went to high school with. I say "friend" because he never liked him much, but he keeps him as a friend because he says the most outrageous things on Facebook. So I decided to share these weird things with you. Just so it doesn't all go to waste, you know. I'm pretty sure they aren't all original, but it's okay.
I have a complicated relationship with zombies. They're dangerous but I love their swagger.
Fred from Scooby-Doo doesn't get enough credit for being the pioneer in alternative lifestyle cartoon characters. Oh, I see your man purse Tinky Winky and raise you a flaming orange neckerchief.
Do you think bears ever give each other really soft "people hugs?"
Karma is when you throw a banana peel in Mario Kart and you end up slipping on it.
Deers would be terrible at Frogger.
I want to see an Ancestry.com commercial where a couple finds out they're actually cousins.
The first sign of old age isn't gray hair or wrinkles, it's leaving your turn signal on for 5 miles while driving down the highway.
What exactly would happen if I messed with Texas?
"What a nice picture of you" is a great way to say "you're generally ugly, but it's hard to tell that from this photo".
Stick figures are skinny because they’re usually drawn doing jumping-jacks.
I'm terrified to sneeze while driving. For one brief second my eyes involuntarily close and I can't see the road...never mind the fact that I spend more than one second looking down at the radio to change the station.
France complains everyone makes fun of their language by imitating Maurice Chevalier or a cartoon villain. Try properly pronouncing "croissant." It's just begging for an evil mustache twirl.
"You only live once" is also an equally compelling reason not to do something.
I miss those old keyboards from middle school, they always made me sound like a typing prodigy...
I wonder how many professional ball players, after a long game, look forward to getting home and having a Capri Sun and a Fruit by the Foot.
I would assume that professional soccer players get the freaking best orange slices at halftime. Unless, of course, one of their mothers forgets that it's her game to bring them.
Birthday cakes are a little strange. Put one of your favorite TV characters on there, then watch mommy and daddy cut it up, and then you eat it. Really forces the kid to viciously kill off their childhood, but hey free cake.
I don't remember the name of any character Morgan Freeman ever played - he's just Morgan Freeman in every movie.
Its crazy to think you could smoke inside college lecture halls back in the day. Would it not be awesome to chomp on a pipe in class while wearing a blazer and say things like "Quite", "Mmmnnnyess" and "A rascal Yalie wouldn't understand!"
I wonder if Batman ever loses his balance while putting on his suit in such a hurry. Does he do the one leg hop thing we do when we miss our pant leg?
Whenever I walk into a large, mostly empty space (like a courtyard or a field or something) I immediately regret not bringing my sword or battle axe... because there's a 95% chance that a boss battle is about to occur.
They say there are loads of technological hurdles to overcome before laser weapons become practical, but let's be honest here, the only reason we don't have laser guns is that "pew pew" is not a very intimidating sound.
How is it that hipsters always live in the coolest part of town but don't have paying jobs?
When I attach my flash drive to a computer I still like to pretend I'm a spy downloading secret information and might get caught at any second.
Gruntled sounds ten times worse than disgruntled.
I never feel more idiotic than when I apologise for bumping into a mannequin.
Whenever I'm scrolling down a PDF file, that little grabby hand icon makes me think I'm copping a feel on the document.
As a man, I feel it's my personal mission in life to never have to make two trips while carrying in groceries.
Every time I close my garage door with the button inside of the garage, I like pretending I'm Indiana Jones trying to escape a temple just before the door closes.
Candy canes are by far the best holiday treat. Not only are they suckably delicious, but they can also be used as makeshift spears to ward off unwanted family holiday attacts.
If people winked in real life as much as they wink in text, this world would be a very creepy place.
I'm going to bring littering back, because people on probation need harder things to do for community service.
Hide and Seek was totally created by two friends who wanted to ditch their hated third friend with minimal confrontation.
Cranberry sauce is seriously misnamed. Sauce doesn't retain the shape of the can it comes in. Let's call it what it is. That stuff's cranberry jello.
There's nothing I hate more then when a bakery unevenly slices my bagel to where I have one mutant thick half & one piece of paper thin half.
Macaroni would be crap if it weren't for cheese. Cheese, on the other hand, doesn't need macaroni to stay pimp. I think we all know who wears the pants in the macaroni and cheese relationship.
"Sorry, we're unable to load a message from our sponsor." That's probably the most unnecessary apology I've ever received, but apology accepted, Hulu.
I think my lack of confidence in my decision-making skills stems from those ‘Choose your own adventure’ books I used to read. I can’t decide between one thing or another without worrying that somehow my choice will lead me off a cliff.
I imagine it was a pedophile who started calling his girlfriend "baby". How it caught on is an entirely different and more disturbing mystery.
I open the microwave door with one second left because it makes me feel like a bomb disposal expert.
All the landmarks and millions of beautiful places on Google Earth, and the first place everyone looks at is their own house.
Why do they include the nutritional information for both the unpopped and popped versions of microwave popcorn? Is someone out there snacking on kernels?
Checking Facebook is similar to when I say "um" -- it's filler between things that are actually important.
The guy who invented the "@" symbol needs to admit that he was just trying to write a lower-case "a" and things got a little out of hand.
Am I alone in thinking the Cookie Monster would make an awesome heavy metal singer?
That should be enough. I hope you smiled. :)
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